DETROIT, MI – Founders Brewing Company announced Monday night that it has permanently closed its Detroit taproom, citing sluggish sales and COVID-related racism, a social media post by the company’s official account confirmed. Since the start of the pandemic, Founders has struggled to get foot traffic through the door, especially once all the reports of prejudice started coming out.

“It is with great sadness that we announce that the Founders Detroit Taproom will be permanently closing its doors today…” the post reads. “Unfortunately, our Detroit location has not been immune to the struggles of having to hire people of color and regaining foot traffic in a city that is 78% black. We are working diligently to find new positions within the company for our white employees impacted by this closure. We would like to thank all of our loyal customers, Mug Clubbers, Proud Boys, and The Geek Squad for your support and business over the years. It has been a great pleasure to serve approximately 13% of you.”

Epidemiologist Dr. Walter Lojik has studied all symptoms related to COVID, but isn’t sure he’s buying Founders’ reasoning.

“In my three-plus years of studying the novel coronavirus COVID-19 and its variants, there is no evidence that bigotry and hostile work environment can be blamed on the airborne disease,” said Dr. Lojik, clearly exhausted from having to explain this again. “The usual symptoms are lack of taste, lack of smell, fever, sore throat, body aches, chills, hot flashes, and fatigue.” 

Former taproom manager David Blantley wonders what he will do now that he has to find another job while being investigated for discrimination.

“Just my luck,” Blantley said, taking off his white hood. “First they are saying I sexually harassed some bitch, and now I’m racist? First of all, if I’m racist, then why is the murder rate in Chicago so high? Second of all, why would I sexually harass her? I’m not even attracted to those people. Everyone is blaming me for the taproom closing. It’s not my fault… blame the Chinese! They’re the real enemy here.”

Meanwhile, Dr Lojik is trying to think of any possible explanation for the behavior of Founders, even after years of DEI efforts yielded little to no results.

“Theoretically, they could blame releasing Lizard of Koz on COVID, if no one doing quality control could taste anything. But telling an African-American she didn’t struggle enough to be black, or telling her 6-year old daughter not to steal any money? That would be pure, unbridled ignorance, not brain fog.”