By Clara Endres

CHANTILLY, VA — Up-and-going craft brewery Bashful Beaver has introduced a new line of 8% ABV hard seltzers dubbed Pretty, Classy, disappointed patrons confirmed. The upstart, which has become somewhat of a watering hole for Chantilly’s most unscrupulous beer drinkers over the past year, raised eyebrows with the unexpected pivot.

“Look, I just want them to bring Schwarped Perception back,” said middle school gym teacher and Bashful Beaver regular Geoff Johnson, referring to a high-ABV, malt-heavy IPA that Bashful Beaver used to be known for. “That is literally the only good beer they’ve ever made. I’m not sure why I even keep coming here. How are you going to shift to hard seltzer 8 months in when you can’t even brew a decent lager? The timing just seems really off.”

Bashful Beaver head brewer Dave Schwarz is excited about the new craft offering and opening up to new markets.

“The reception so far has been pretty positive,” Schwarz said unconvincingly. “I mean, I’m not sure if we’re necessarily going to win any awards for these new beverages, but it’s been nice to see some new faces. Still though, you can get schwasted pretty easily with these things. We’re not shy about the ‘hard’ part of hard seltzer.” 

New fan of the brewery Ashley Jones often comes by Bashful Beaver for a glass of the brewery’s grapefruit hard seltzer after a long day at the office. 

“The Pamplemousse Paradise is okay I guess,” Jones said, clutching her purse. “The clientele here is a little… different from what the girls and I are used to. Sure, it makes for a cheap brunch spot, but all the bearded guys with beer guts and B.O. kind of kills the vibe. And the sink in the women’s bathroom only puts out cold water. At least I’m not likely to run into my ex here. He likes good beer.” 

Meanwhile, established fans like Johnson feel a little alienated by the new drinks and the crowd that they’re bringing in.

“Now on Saturdays at open all these groups of cackling banshees have their girls brunches and take all the picnic tables. Meanwhile, me and the boys who helped build this business have to stand around a barrel like a bunch of plebs.” Johnson huffed. “I didn’t think it was possible for a brand new brewery to fall off, yet here we are.”