I couldn’t have been more excited when I booked this trip to Munich for Oktoberfest. The long history of the event in the beer community is storied to the point of legend. A true craft beer head like myself obviously had to make the pilgrimage to see for myself what all the hype was about. Boy, what a letdown.

I entered one of the tents Untappd in hand, ready to get to ticking. The waitress came over and asked if I wanted a beer; never said no to that question, amirite?! I asked if she had a beer menu I could see and she sneered at me and very rudely said “nein.” How was she supposed to know what beer I wanted? Well it turns out Oktoberfest is like The Rock and IT DOESN’T MATTER what beer you want, because you’re getting what they give you and you’ll like it. Or else.

This whole time I thought that Germans knew how to drink. Turns out they only have ONE beer at the whole tent? So what, I’m just supposed to keep checking the same beer in the entire night? Go to a different tent and drink the same beer there? I thought this was supposed to be like Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory for beer enthusiasts, not just the Tootsie Roll factory.

While I’m at it… lager? Really? You are going to serve thousands of people millions of liters of beer and you choose lager as the one true source? Germany really needs to get with the times. Hops reign supreme in the rest of the world. Would it kill each brewery to have one IPA for people who need a break from crispy bois? Hey Siri… translate “palate fatigue” into Deutsch for me.

Not only that… they’re not even that crispy! They taste like they purposefully tone down the carbonation. Makes no sense. They’re all like 5.5-6% too. How am I supposed to get drunk on that? I’m used to 8-9%ers of big boys; this is child’s play. No chance I’m getting banged up after eating a pretzel to soak it all up. None.

Starting to wonder if I will even find a beer like Imperial German Chocolate Cupcake. Angry Chair has some explaining to do. I don’t know why everyone keeps calling me a Rhinosgebot or whatever the hell, but color me unimpressed. Save the air fare and lodging and just go to GABF or Green City.