SAN FRANSICO, CA – After the recent purchase of Anchor Brewing Company, Hamdi Ulukaya, founder and CEO of Chobani, announced that they would be bringing back fan favorite Christmas Ale, with a twist. The spices for the seasonal ale will be put in the bottle cap, and upon opening the beer, customers will add the spices and mix the beer up on the spot.

“We are very happy to add Anchor Brewing to our portfolio, and are excited to bring our expertise in the Greek yogurt space to craft brewing,” Ulukaya said while looking at a brite tank with a confused look on his face. “We believe that Anchor failed because it didn’t properly engage its main demographic. Craft beer nerds need excitement and innovation. So we are going to put the spices in the bottle cap and let these fuckers mix it themselves. Delicious ale and holiday spices tumble together in fun-for-everyone flavor combinations!”

Anchor brewmaster Dane Volek is skeptical about the new initiative, claiming it seems like more of a marketing stunt than a change in the brew process.

“Yeah, I don’t think this is going to work,” said Volek, scrolling the LinkedIn app on his phone. “Never heard of adding spices to a beer right before drinking. It’d be one thing to put some cinnamon on the rim of a glass, but pouring it in the bottle from a pouch in the cap? I don’t want to sound like Vito Corleone, but they are massacring my life’s work. We’ve been around since the 1800’s… we aren’t fucking BrewDog.”

Craft beer enthusiast Michael Hersch is excited to try the new version of his favorite holiday beer.

“Man, what a day! I just KNEW holding on to this vertical was a good idea,” Hersch exclaimed in between Untappd check-ins. “I have a bottle from every year since 2003, so it really hurt when they discontinued it. I thought about selling it all, but something told me to hang on. My gut is never wrong. I can’t wait to buy a bunch of bottles. Maybe I’ll buy 20 and use all the spice pouches in each of my vertical bottles! The possibilities are endless!”

At press time, Volek was seen walking around with a noose while Ulukaya was asking him his thoughts on adding oat milk to Anchor Steam.