CHICAGO, IL – Local buffoon Greg Belford has started drinking his own urine after both Bud Light and Miller Lite have launched controversial marketing campaigns, exhausted sources confirmed. The self-described conservative has had enough of the pandering to the “woke” crowd.

“First Bud Lite goes all gay and has some trans on the can, so I had to go buy a case to record myself shooting with my bazooka” said Belford, chugging from a Coors Light can. “Now it’s Miller Lite saying women invented beer?! What are they, insane? How could a woman invent beer? Their brains are like two-thirds the size of mens’! Anyway, these woke companies aren’t going to get a penny of my hard-earned money, so I just started drinking my own pee to prove a point. It’s a barely negligible difference from Bud and Miller anyway, and it’s actually saving me some money in the process. I drink water, then I pee into this empty Coors can. When I go to barbecues, no one is the wiser.”

Miller ad executive Ed Puter defended the commercial, saying it felt it captured the beer industry’s reckoning with female customers and air of misogyny. 

“I really don’t understand why so many had a problem with this,” Puter questioned. “It was a one month campaign for Women’s History Month, meant to celebrate women in the beer industry, instead of sexualizing them for a change. I mean sure, those ads still exist, and we can pick back up with them when the month is over, but it was important for us to send this message out.”

Liberal craft beer drinker Ryan Baxter is relishing the moment watching Republicans running out of macro options.

“Look at all these whiny little bitches. Guess it’s time to come to the dark side and start drinking IPAs now huh?” said Baxter, his nose cheek-deep in a pint glass of a saison. “I’m sure they’ll gravitate to Founders and just drink All Day once they find out about all their issues. Although the enemy of my enemy is my friend, right? So who do I hate more, big beer like AB/InBev or MAGAts? That’s a tough one…”

Meanwhile, Belford is confused as to which can of Coors he peed in and which one is actually beer.

“Okay, so this one… tastes like piss. And this one… god dammit. Now what do I do? You know anything about wine? No way they cater to feminism.”