By James Knapp

SHIPPENSBURG, Penn. – Area drunk Derek Sobitski has come to realize that the free 6 ounce sample he was offered at the end of a tour of the Hops On Pop Brewery & Tasting Room was in no way worth his participation in the tour itself, sober and agitated sources confirmed. According to Sobitski, the extensive and exhausting 3.5 hour tour did not live up to the pour of mediocre slime-water he was forced to consume afterwards.

“Well this is all really irritating – touring a brewery sounds like an alcoholic’s version of Willy Wonka’s factory. But this tour was boring as shit and this beer tastes like sock-flavored sweat,” bemoaned Sobitski, who already finished his sample in two medium gulps. “I get that this is a business and they can’t be giving out free kegs with every tour, but… no, nevermind – they should be giving out free kegs with every tour! It’ll take at least that much to help me forget everything I just learned about oxidation. How much is a keg anyway, $75, $100 bucks? Surely my weekend time is worth at least $25 an hour. ”

Brewery owner Cliff Sherman appeared unphased by Sobitski’s displeasure with the tour.

“I don’t have time to worry about what one guy had to say about our tour. I’ve only created four new IPAs this week and I have to do nine more before Monday,” said a wild-eyed and hops-covered Sherman. “The sample isn’t supposed to be an incentive, the reward is the tour itself. An afternoon spent looking at various types of wort? Who wouldn’t love that?!”

Tour guide Leelee Robinson gave her perspective on the Hops on Pop tour and tasting practices.

“Shhhhh! Don’t talk to me about that. I’ve been robbing this place blind for months, and if they ever look into the inventory they’ll see how much beer I’ve been sneaking out the back and I’m screwed. Just keep hush hush about all this and I’ll steal ya an extra case of lager on my next run. Alright?”

At press time, Robinson had still failed to make good on that case of lager she owes us.