CHICAGO, IL – A newly launched beer koozie is keeping cans cold and balls blue all across the country. The tchotchke, which is a collaboration between the two beer juggernauts Tits and Beer and Hoppy Floppy, was announced on Instagram, and depicts the “craft beer influencer’s” thinly-veiled, 3-D breasts on the side, to the delight of perverts everywhere.

“HELL YEAH, I LOVE MY BOOBZIE,” exclaimed Travis Velez, a little too sexually for our liking. “Sure I’ve had other koozies in the past, but this is the only one that I feel a real… I dunno, just a connection with, you know? It just gets me, like it’s known me my whole life. All I know is when I slide my Coors Light into these Rocky Mountains for some refreshment, the thermochromic ink isn’t the only thing turning blue. Talk about a Silver Bullet… my balls swell up like Violet Beauregarde.”

The joint venture just made sense according to Biff Porchbomber, whose official title is Lead Research and Developer at Tits and Beer Co.

“This partnership has been a long time coming,” said Porchbomber with raised eyebrows. “Oh actually, that’s good. Gotta tell my ASSistant write that down: ‘Long time cumming’ would be a great name for a new line of our signature ‘tease me’ accessories. Or more like ASSessories, am I right?! Damn, I’m on fire. This is why I get paid the big moneybags! Wait, there I go again!”

Hoppy Floppy herself is just thankful to be able to make her fans happy.

“I owe everything to my fans,” said a scantily clad Miss Floppy with her signature smirk. “Without them, who knows where I’d be, or what swill I’d be drinking. So please, buy a koozie, keep sending me beer, and keep engaging with my social media posts! It’s all going to a great cause, that I assure you. And don’t forget to check out my OnlyFans!”

At press time, Velez was overheard while on the phone with his parents, telling them that he thinks it’s time they finally meet his beloved koozie.