By James Knapp

No no, don’t try to explain – I know we should have it. I know you think that I’m thinking of a different beer because there’s “no way we could be out of the one beer you want.” But I assure you I know exactly what you’re going to ask for and it isn’t here. I hope you have a backup selection to order… but we probably don’t have that either. Tough luck.

I know it’s on the menu. There’s a lot of things on the menu we don’t have. I’m sure it’s hard to comprehend that the very expensive menu that takes weeks to print that you’re pointing at isn’t updated daily, yet here we are.

Yes, I can see how disappointed you are. But I need you to understand that just because you drove here all the way from Schinecktity to celebrate your old college buddy’s divorce being finalized doesn’t make whatever you want become magically available again. Please stop stomping your feet in protest. It’s embarrassing now.

This is not an issue of our inventory management ability either. Shit happens. Sometimes the bartender tips off his line share buddies that we’re getting the keg a day early. We can’t change that now, so if you don’t stop rolling on the ground, kicking and screaming, then I’m going to have to get the authorities involved.

And no, there isn’t any stashed away in the back. We are a legitimate establishment, not a carnival ring toss booth. We sell what we have and then we order more – we don’t keep an extra giant, stuffed octopus behind the counter in case some kid starts throwing a tantrum. So you can stop holding your breath – it’s not going to work.

Actually, I am the manager. One of our staff set off the silent alarm that signals me for this exact situation as soon as you set foot on the premises. We’re actually a very efficient business.

So I’m not particularly sorry that I cannot serve you today. You are welcome to try this again at some other establishment, but I assure you the outcome will be the same. In the meanwhile, please take this complimentary pack of crayons we usually reserve for loud children, and get the hell out of here.