We’re almost two months into the new year, so you’ve either kept up with your resolution to get in shape, or you’re a normal quitter like the rest of us. If you happen to be one of these “motivated” people, you may think that you’re entitled to some apres-gym fun at the bar with the boys. Don’t be foolish.
If anyone knows which beers will submarine your HIIT workout, it’s me: a guy that looks weird in an athletic-fit shirt even though he has a ton of upper body definition. I’ve learned the hard way which brews to avoid if I want to maintain my Eli-Manning-like figure. I mean, it doesn’t mean that I’ve stopped drinking them; but maybe you will.
1. Michelob Ultra
You wanna go for a long run and feel the warm embrace of a good beer buzz without the guilt? Well, fartlek your ass away from this aluminum-bottled calorie bomb because you’ll have to drink at least 16 or 17 to feel anything. This low-flavor barely-beer is weirdly crushable, so avoid Michelob Ultra unless you’re ready to derail your workout and evening on an unwinnable quest to get lit.
2. Bud Light NEXT
Bud Light NEXT is the worst Anheiser-Busch pre-workout drink yet. Avoid drinking seven or eight pints of whatever the hell Bud Light NEXT is before you go to the gym unless you have a spotter for, like, the whole time you’re there. Drink a Four Loko instead and watch your bench press PR get shattered.
3. Athletic Brewing Co.’s Free Wave Hazy IPA
Free Wave tastes so great that you’ll forget it’s non-alcoholic and drink three-and-a-half cases in one sitting. Trust me, you don’t want to piss on the living room floor again unless you’re actually drunk. And, despite the lack of alcohol, oddly there is a hangover that will keep you out of the weight room for at least a day. #MissedGainz
4. Blue Moon Light Sky
They call it light, but is it really light if I load every pint glass with six whole oranges for it to taste halfway decent? Not worth the macros.
5. 3 Floyd’s Dark Lord Russian Imperial Stout
This beer will bankrupt you and force a hasty divorce. Once that happens, it’ll be really hard to find the money for your gym membership and even harder to find the time and motivation to work out. This beer will change your life, but… maybe not the way you want it to. Skip this beer instead of leg day.
Remember, if you’re chugging whales at night, you’ll be resembling them in the morning. Leave the beer to us; you focus on Crossfit and being sexually active.
Drain Pour 