RED BANK, NJ – Local insignificant other Stefan Gurney has tested the limit of the BYOB policy of his Valentine’s Day date venue, his unsatisfied girlfriend confirmed. 

“I actually let myself think that he might be proposing,” Ashleigh Polley, Gurney’s partner of 2 years said fleetingly. “He said he had a surprise for me at dinner, so I dressed up all nice and got my nails done and everything, and he just pulls out this huge bottle of what looked like motor oil. Another Valentine’s Day unfulfilled.”

Gurney is adamant that he takes his relationship seriously, and maintains that there is no clearer sign of true love than sharing whales with that one special person.

“Listen, I know what Ashleigh likes, okay?” the beer beau said between hiccups. “She’s always talking about how much she loves chocolates, so you should have seen her face when I pulled out that Chocolate Goodness bottle by Trilly! She couldn’t believe it! I thought about explaining how much that bottle would go for on secondary, but that’s not what gift giving is all about, you know? Instead, I just was sure to mention the Ugandan cacao nibs. You just have to listen, fellas.”

Biaggio Valenti, the manager of Villa Poliano, where the couple had 6pm reservations, had never seen someone bring as much alcohol to a romantic dinner for two before.

“We always have a special menu for Valentine’s Day, and encourage our patrons to bring their own to enjoy the evening,” Valenti said. “This particular gentleman came in with a cooler on wheels. Have you seen one of these before? Like one you would bring to the beach, with a handle and cup holders. I had to ask him to move it several times, as it was getting in the way of our servers bringing out food. The lovely lady he was with, who was drinking water by the way, looked embarrassed. Our bus boy had to take away several cans and bottles.” 

Polley, however, is trying to take the night in stride, and hopes that this is just a phase Gurney is going through.

“I just wish Stefan would listen sometimes. I don’t know how many times I have mentioned that I love flowers, yet he’s never once bought me them. When I finally confronted him about it, he said that ‘actually, a hop is a flower’ and gave me an IPA. No wonder my parents hate him.”