Being a beer snob isn’t always as glamorous as it seems. Sometimes, you just want 16 ounces of Rocky Mountain bullshit even though being spotted with the Silver Bullet™ could ruin your Instagram beer aficionado aesthetic. Yeah, Coors Light is for assholes that tip 10%… but it’s also mass-produced, overly-advertised, low-class douche swill that will make you feel like the heavens and your wife’s knees are parting just for you.
So, what’s a fella to do when he craves a beer with half the calories but twice the trips to the gender-neutral bathroom? Fucking lie, that’s what.
Here are five beers that sound real enough that no one will realize you have a pint of Coors Light.
1. Angels and Assholes Holy Fucking Pale Ale
Young brewers always push the envelope, so having a curse word in the name of the brewery and beer will immediately seem legit. Who cares if it would never pass the TTB?
2. Donald Grizzleman Brewing’s Grizzle Man Was Born Beard First Pilsner
“This crispy boi is so crushaaaaable! I’ll grab everybody a round,” is exactly what you’ll say to throw everyone off your macrobeverage-drinking scent. When you come back empty-handed, tell your boys the keg kicked or the line is messed up and you’ll look for some four-packs at the bottle shop next weekend. Or, to really fuck with them, just buy a full round of Coors anyway.
3. Lil’ Gremlins Wheeeeeeat Stout
Only a small percentage of craft drinkers actually know ANYTHING about brewing. Tell your normie friends wheat stouts are the latest craze and that they bleach the ingredients before brewing or something. They’ll buy it for sure.
4. Антон Чехов Легкий и дружелюбный
You don’t have to pronounce it correctly to tell your friends it tastes good and gets you drunk! What are they gonna do? Google some shit they can’t even type with an English keyboard? I know the archetype is that craft beer buffs are smart, but do you actually believe anyone that lets consuming copious amounts of designer poison become their personality has worthwhile intelligence? No, they don’t. And they don’t speak Russian. Neither do you. Fuck it.
5. Lorna Shore’s To the Hellfire Draught
Sidearm it and name a song you’re about to play on the TouchTunes because the pressure of keeping up the lie is worse than being exposed as a Silver Bullet™ fanboy. If on the slim chance someone notices, say the beer was actually brewed for the band and named after the song. It just “sold out” a while ago.
Always remember… if anybody says, “I can’t find it on Untappd,” order some fried cheese curds and start planning that bros vacation before anyone can ask any more questions.
Drain Pour 