BLOOMINGTON, IN – Unimpressed sources confirmed that local virgin Oscar Farminghammer has declared that Downland Brewing’s Lightsynth, a beer claiming to be lambic-inspired, is definitely not lambic. The issue, he says, comes from the beer not being spontaneously brewed in the Zenne river valley region of Belgium.

“Yup, definitely NOT lambic,” the accidentally celibate Farminghammer said through pursed lips after taking one sip. “What the hell does ‘lambic-inspired’ mean anyway? How disrespectful can you be? I may not know the sweet, loving touch of a woman, but I know when a beer was fermented with microflora from Pajottenland or not.”

Downland’s head brewer Matt Lynch doesn’t see what the big deal is, saying it’s obvious the brewery is not located in Brussels.

“Whatever… it’s not like we are pretending to be something we’re not,” said Lynch, putting down his paperback copy of Brew Like a Monk. “It very clearly says on the label that it’s made in Bloomington, why is everyone all up in arms like we’re claiming we brewed it at Tilquin or something? If you know lambic is from Europe, and you know you’re in Indiana, what’s the big fuckin deal? Sounds like Oscar has some other sort of pent up aggression that he needs to get out. He needs to worry about popping his own cork, not mine.”

Lambic expert Gabriel Maxime Janssens understands Farminghammer’s sentiment, yet doesn’t fully agree with the extent he goes to defend the style, to the point of becoming unfuckable.

“Of course, yes, lambic is certainly most sacred to our magical region,” Janssens said, stroking his lambic basket sensually. “Yet I am unsure that I understand all the anger people have to stand up for it. This fellow, this… Oscar, yes? He must understand that lambic is a feeling; a physical, carnal, exciting moment in time. It is not just a possession to be imbibed, it is a lover to be caressed, seduced, made to feel safe. Until this young man experiences this sensation, he will not fully comprehend lambic.”

Farminghammer, meanwhile, is firm in his belief of putting lambic on a pedestal.

“It’s either been blessed as kosher by our lord and savior JVR or it’s unworthy American swill that doesn’t deserve to grace the inside of a green bottle.”