By Dan Bookbinder

PORTLAND, ME — The owners of Burnt Bridge Brewery fear they might face shutdown due to a lack of puns centered around the word “hop.”

“When we started five years ago, we were totally prepared. Our finances were in order, we hired the right people, and planned for any contingencies a small business might face. We are learning the hard way that survival in craft brewing depends on one thing: hop-based puns.” said Owner Colin Hadley. “We started with takes on ‘happy,’ ‘shop,’ and ‘hot,’ but there is a serious scarcity for new and original hop puns, so we’re stretched to the point where we’re stuck with ‘All Hops Are Bastards’ and ‘Hopler Radar.’”

Whereas some breweries employ other naming conventions based on local landmarks, celebrities, or sayings, Burnt Bridge Brewery remains true to their roots.

“I came up at a time when the hop pun was more important than the hops themselves.” said Brewmaster Rusty Choy. “We need to stand out on the shelves, which is why we’ve created such classics as ‘Blitzkrieg Hop,’ ‘Hop Floats,’ and ‘Hop, Hop, Hop All Day Long, Hop, Hop, Hop While I Sing This Song.’ At this rate, we might not make it through Groundhop’s Day.”

Studies show that not being able to keep up with customer demand for hop puns is the number one reason for craft breweries going out of business.

“With inflation, the business expense of hop puns has increased while the value has diminished,” said Economist Sunida Bakshi. “While consumers expect wordplay from a craft brewery, the appeal of an IPA called ‘Operation: Vacu-suck’ doesn’t go as far as it did a few years ago.”

At press time, Burnt Bridge Brewery is expanding their retail presence to the mid-atlantic region, opening a third brewpub in Bangor, and pivoting to “tang” innuendos.