OCEAN TOWNSHIP, NJ – The Southern Poverty Law Center has officially classified Abel Brewing Company as a hate group after repeated complaints from alleged victims, horrified online posters confirmed.

“Abel hates locals, it’s as simple as that.” claimed Noah Chestney on the brewery’s Facebook page. “Their treatment of us will not be tolerated any longer. Release after release, they allow proxies, or give advanced notice for Saturday drops, or do online only bottles. When is enough enough?”

Southern Poverty Law Center official Max Finemann believes the recent behavior by the brewery warrants the hate group designation.

“Frankly, it’s unacceptable in this day and age,” said Finemann, sifting through pages of online comments similar to Chestney’s. “The Southern Poverty Law Center has a responsibility to help the victims of these vicious attacks. It’s bad enough their EventBrite releases are riddled with bots, but allowing proxies with a month-long pickup window? The federal government needs to step in here. Abel has had a long-standing relationship with this community, and to shut their locals out like this is egregious, erroneous, malicious, and preposterous.”

Abel Brewing founder Roger Abella doesn’t understand what more he can do while trying to run a successful business.

“I think this is being blown out of proportion a little bit…” Abella said while counting money. “We have several beers that are draft-only, and frequently release brewery-only cans on Thursday nights. AND any leftovers we sell at the brewery after the pickup window closes. I mean, I definitely hate some of our locals to be sure. But I’m not sure wanting as many people to try our beer as possible makes me a domestic terrorist. My family is getting death threats for Christ’s sake. I should’ve never left Wall Street.” 

Chestney, meanwhile, only had an emotional plea for the brewery.

“Do better. Be better. Treat your locals better. Without us day-ones, you wouldn’t be where you are today. You know us. You owe us for all the releases we missed over the years. Frankly, I can think of 5-10 guys who should have a percentage of the business at this point, but we’ll settle for a bottle of the next double-barrel release.”

If you are a local to Abel brewing, use extreme caution when attempting to secure their beer.