By James Knapp

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. – Area shithole Rodney’s Rock Bottom has incorporated a new filter into the bar’s complimentary WiFi, where it automatically boots any users who even attempt to check into the craft beer rating app Untappd, snobby-ass sources confirmed.

“All I was trying to do was sign in real quick to see if I could get a new badge or two at least while I endure this dump, and suddenly the WiFi just cuts clear off. Also, I think somehow it stole my pin number,” bitched Untappd user Dennis McKenzie while attempting to connect to the guest WiFi at the Ramada Inn next door. “It’s not like this place even has any decent craft offerings to check in with. I’m seriously drinking a Michelob Ultra with a cigarette butt floating in it. It’s one of their ‘specialty cocktails’ – like that’s actually what they call this drink here.”

Bar owner Rodney Ohlensoler explained the series of events that led him to incorporate the new WiFi filter.

“I just got sick of these snooty fuckers coming in here asking for fancy beers so they can show off to their Twitter friends or whatever the hell,” said Ohlensoler. “The last straw was the day some mutton-chopped asshole had the balls to ask if he could have a fresh orange slice for his Belgian-style witbier. I didn’t even understand what he was talking about but I still threw an empty pony keg at his head. He was out cold for three hours – worth it.”

A spokesperson for Untappd was near-immediately reached for comment.

“This is an outrage! If our users can’t announce their choice of beverage, location and current blood alcohol level into the social void at all times then what even is the point of being drunk?” bemoaned Untappd representative Kurt Drumbel. “Our users should always have access to report where and what they’re drinking – even if it is just a Pabst tall boy with a wilted cocktail umbrella in it. That’s the best I’d expect from a shithole like Rodney’s.”

At press time, Drumbel demanded the bar immediately unfilter its WiFi, and Ohlensoler responded by asking Drumbel if he wanted to “take this outside.”