We know what you’re thinking: “Hey, look! My brewery is getting a lot of action on our Instagram account! This is great!” Not so fast, Brettanomyces Ratner. As it turns out… not all publicity is good publicity. It seems as though your business is in a bit of hot water, and the one boiling the pot is none other than Brienne Allen, aka @RatMagnet. Enough credible accusations have come across her inbox, so she is now tagging your life’s work in a bunch of stories to shed a light on multiple “alleged” wrongdoings by you or your staff. What’s worse, these anecdotes are being confirmed by multiple other parties, making you look real, real bad.

No need to worry! We here at Drain Pour are here to help. We have compiled a list of Do’s and Don’ts to help you navigate these obvious fabrications. Stick to this handy list of suggestions and people will forget about any of your wrongdoings in no time, so you can get back to focusing on your world-class beer.

DO’S

• DO release a statement that says nothing of substance. Your name and business are in the crosshairs now, so you need to buy some time until you figure out a plan of attack. Put together a statement that admits nothing, says nothing, and creates more questions than answers. You want it as vague as possible. Use phrases like “in this climate” and “uncertain times” to invoke a feeling of mystery, as though no one really knows what reality is in the first place. You want the waters to be as muddy as your flagship pale ale.
• DO deny any accusation against you, no matter how credible. Sure, maybe this accusation is extremely specific, and all accounts are confirmed to be true. That doesn’t matter. If you give one inch, they will take a mile. EXAMPLE: Yes, my brewery was at that beer festival. Yes, the sales rep in question was our representative. Yes, he went to the after party at said bar. Yes, he was talking to that hot beer server all night. Yes, he made lewd comments to others in attendance. Yes, he pulled her into the kitchen, but he absolutely did NOT assault her or grab her inappropriately. Yes, he did make a scene after coming out of the kitchen and was kicked out of the bar. See how subtle that was? So subtle it’s believable.
• DO attack the #MeToo movement, woke culture, and society in general. This is the obvious culprit of your company’s misfortune, not you. You need to hit this phenomenon and hit it hard and fast. At the very first sight of an accusation, be sure to bring up that any accusation against you is an attempt to cancel you. Your brewery is a rising star, and clearly people are just jealous and hating on your success. When you’re at the top, people like to tear you down. This will show everyone why you named your barrel-aged stout Wolves Not Sheep; your alpha wolf dominance will not cower to the herd of mindless sheep attacking you.
• DO delete any negative comments on social media. There are going to be a lot; people criticizing you, asking for comments, calling for a boycott. Delete them all. The last thing anyone wants to see is negative comments at a time like this. Let them know that you will not tolerate any criticism whatsoever. Just keep on with business as usual of beer announcements and ignore any drama as if nothing happened. Good vibes only.
• DO attack your accusers. This one may be tricky, as that shifty @RatMagnet censors the accuser’s names, like the coward she is. But context clues should be able to help you figure out the person making the claims, and they should be your next target. It’s probably a disgruntled ex-employee who couldn’t hack it in the rough, fast-paced environment that has gotten your brewery several third-place finishes in the local paper’s “Best Brewery in Town” contest. Once you’re able to figure out who it is, out them, and let everyone know that this person is a loser and a hater and hates seeing men be successful.
• DO attack Brienne personally. In the grand scheme of things, this is all @RatMagnet’s doing. Brienne clearly has a vendetta against you specifically. She’s probably jealous her brewery isn’t as successful as yours (either that or she wants to bang you). Whatever her motive is, you need to diminish her credibility. Take a shot at the fact that she’s clearly doing this to become an influencer. She expects everyone to believe that because she’s a woman in a male-dominated industry, she’s just looking out for other women out of the kindness of her own heart? When have women ever cared about other women? And if all else fails, bring up her tattoos. Who are people going to believe… a job creator like yourself, or someone with a neck tattoo of a scorpion? Checkmate, bitch.

DON’TS

• DON’T admit any wrongdoing. This is good advice for life in general, but especially in this situation.
• DON’T take any accountability for your actions. This will make you look weak. Deflect, gaslight, point fingers, throw people under the bus, whatever you have to do. Someone is toxic, and is sure as hell isn’t you.
• DON’T remove yourself from your position. Whether it be CEO, owner, founder, head brewer, social media czar, etc., you want to make sure you keep your post. Once you remove yourself, getting it back is going to be next to impossible. Cling to your responsibilities like grim death.
• DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE make changes to your brewery’s culture. You got to where you are, running a successful business, by doing things your way. It may not be for everybody, especially women, but every business has to have an identity. If you sacrifice your morals now, your business will fail and your life will be ruined. Do you really want to risk that just to assure that 50% of the population is comfortable at your establishment?

Stand up for yourself. It’s time to FIGHT! For far too long, women have enjoyed the luxury of anonymous trolling without fear of repercussion. It’s time to take back what is rightfully yours, before you lose it forever and have to go back to your private equity career. Godspeed, freedom fighter; we’ve got your back.